STAY UP TO DATE : READY TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE & JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER?
June 26th| MARRIAGE SUCCESS STORIES
Do you have significant meaningful conversations with your spouse? How often do you spend quality time together? Are you also spending quality time apart? What’s your love language? Rick takes a flip turn on divorce chat this episode to talk about how to stay successfully married and asks callers to share what makes things work in their relationships. Some of their answers: not going to bed angry, practicing marriage maintenance, not getting upset with your partner when their behavior is actually a carryover from past relationship issues, turning off the electronics, practicing personal growth, and praying to keep spiritually connected. Rick’s top divorce prevention Rx: spend 15 minutes each day where you focus exclusively on each other.
Rick: Happy Sunday morning everyone and thank you for tuning in to Divorce Talk Radio this morning. We’re here every Sunday morning at 8:00 o’clock and I’m glad you joined us. I know you have many choices to listen to and I’m grateful that you choose my show and that you landed right here on KPRC 950 on the AM dial this Sunday morning. I’m Rick Goldberg and I’ll be your host for the next hour as we talk about all things relationship. We’re not going to just talk about divorce this morning. We’re going to move off topic just a little bit.
Now, when I conceived this idea a few months ago, I wanted you, the listeners, to drive the show. I know that you have stories to tell and I know that when you’re willing to share and process a little bit from your heart, not only do I believe that you’ll find some clarity and closure, I believe that our listeners will as well. When you call in and share, it’s my hunch that you’re doing not only your work but you’re helping thousands of fellow listeners get over some of their struggles and their issues too.
Our number this morning is 713-212-5950. So call in if you’ve got something on your mind, something to share on this topic.
Now, I’ve been probably in this divorce business about 20 plus years. I hate to say really how long I’ve been in it. And I’ve seen the best and the worst ways to handle marriage, separation, and divorce.
And this morning, I wanted to turn it all upside down a bit and talk about how to stay successfully married and not only offer some tips about divorce prevention but hear what some of our listeners might have to say on that topic also.
Some of my suggestions might help you get to the point where you want to work things out if you’re struggling in your relationship or maybe they can help you in your next relationship. Either way, I’m counting on a pretty fun time together.
Now, it’s my experience that a couple can significantly improve their chances of marital success if they’ll just devote as little as 15 minutes a day exclusively to each other. Put the phones down. Get separated and get a little distance from your kids and just focus on each other. Maybe that’s waking up a little bit earlier than you normally would, spending a little extra time in bed cuddling, reaffirming your love that you have for each other. Take the time every day to have meaningful conversations.
I mean my gosh! When was the last time? Just think about it right now. Do you remember having a significant meaningful conversation with your spouse? Probably been a while, huh? Anyway, show affection, show them that you care and I think you will see amazing results if you can just do that.
Let’s go to our phone lines. We already have a caller who had called in. Kim is on line 1. Kim, good morning. How are you? Are you currently in a relationship, Kim?
Kim: Yes, I am, Rick.
Rick: How long have you been together? And are you married? Just cohabitating? What’s a little background?
Kim: Well, we’re married but we’ve been together 25 years, 15 of them married. We got married on the 10th anniversary of our first date.
Rick: Oh, that’s fantastic. So 25 years, my gosh! That’s a long time. I know how proud I was that I made it 20 years with my wife before we unfortunately had to divorce. But you’ve had to have some struggles along the way, Kim, to stay in a viable relationship for 25 years. Why don’t you share with our listeners some of those struggles and how you got over them and how you got to where you are right now?
Kim: Well gosh, Rick, in 25 years. So the first struggle was actually what made our relationship strong and that is we started out friends and we just real slowly kind of agreeing into something more. And so, after a year of friendship, we dated for maybe four years. And the first struggle was I really like dealing with this woman but am I really in love? This feels good, feels comfortable. It really works but I don’t – this doesn’t feel like what I remember love feeling like. So the first thing we had to struggle over is are we really in love and do we want to go on long term?
Rick: Was she tracking the same way you were? I mean did you talk about that whole love thing with her and she was really in the same boat as you?
Kim: Yeah. One of the good things is we met doing some personal growth and then so both of us have always been in the place where we get into counseling and we go do workshops before we have the problem. So we’ve always have a pretty good ability to talk to each other.
And I remember one time I was on my first trip like long – away from her for a long time. We weren’t even living together yet. It was about two weeks. And about a week into that, I called her up one time, kind of in crisis and I said, “I don’t know if I’m in love with you. I’ve been gone for a week and I’m not missing you. I’m not worried about what you’re up to. I’m not stressing about you and every other time I’ve been in love I have. So I’m afraid I’m not in love with you.” And I was brutally honest but I didn’t know what else to say.
Rick: Nothing like just perfect honesty, right?
Kim: Well, that’s again, when you start out as friends, you do the perfect honesty before you start to have a romance and then it’s not so hard to keep it up anymore. And she was kind of in the same place. It was slow, slow growth for us, Rick.
Rick: If you had to give our listeners a headline as to why your marriage is successful, what would you tell them?
Kim: It’s easy. It’s just one sentence and it’s, “Do the work before you need to do the work.”
Rick: Do the work before you need to do the work. OK. So I think I have a hunch of what that means. I’m thinking you mean do your own personal growth work, if you need therapy, if you see issues, talk about it. But what does it mean for you?
Kim: Well, it means that as a couple, we went and work on our relationship, our skills, getting to know each other and then work on our own issues when we weren’t having trouble just to get better at it. So then when troubles came up, they weren’t so hard to deal with. We didn’t go into crisis. We just work [0:07:11] [Indiscernible].
Rick: Kind of like the classic example of taking your car in, just getting the maintenance, getting the oils checked, keeping the air in the tires. Do that on a regular basis and then you’re not going to have a full transmission issue or an engine breakdown. Is that kind of what you’re saying? Just take care of the maintenance as you go.
Kim: Sort of like that. Kind of like getting swimming lessons and swimming pretty regularly so then when you fall into water one time and you’re afraid you might drown, there’s no problem to swim to shore.
Rick: Nice. Nice. Was that easy for both of you all to accept that premise of working on things before there was a problem?
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. We kind of had to because we had each done a lot of work on our own and kind of gotten used to, “I want to grow and be better all the time.” But that was it. We got to this place where we weren’t working on ourselves to fix something or to get out of crisis. We were working on ourselves because we wanted to always become better people living better lives and then when we were together, we wanted constantly a better relationship.
Rick: Do you have children, Kim?
Kim: Yeah, Rick, we got a 4-year-old child named Chase. He’s the first one for both of us because we’ve never been married before. So we were together over 20 years when we have our first baby.
Rick: Wow! So you got to be loving that, right?
Kim: Oh, he’s awesome. And all that work we did that created a home for him where now we can really be there for him because we’re not in crisis in our relationship.
Rick: I just really want to acknowledge you for what you guys did. Now, I can’t see you through the radio but if I could, my hunch is that you have a really big grin on your face as you’re laughing and talking about your little boy. That’s fantastic. So his name is Chase, right?
Kim: Yup. He’s good as it gets, Rick.
Rick: And if Chase could basically – I’m sure at 4, he’s putting some sentences together. But if he could really describe how beautiful the relationship is between his mom and his dad, what would Chase say?
Kim: He would say, “At bedtime, I want to snuggle with mommy and daddy and I want to get in the middle.”
Rick: But if he could describe the value and the beauty of your relationship in grown up words even though he is four, what would he say?
Kim: So I think what he means when he says is that, “I feel totally safe and loved and allowed to be who I was born to be by my parents whatever that ends needing to look like.”
Rick: That’s great. That’s great. Well Kim, I really want to thank you for calling in this morning. Really appreciate your sharing. It sounds like you and Diane have a fantastic relationship and I’m sure a lot of your friends are learning just by hanging out with you guys about what works and how to really – and really how to grow a nice friendship and relationship. So thanks so much for calling in this morning. Really appreciate it having you with us.
You’ve been listening to Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. We’ll be right back after this break.
Rick: Good morning everyone and welcome back to Divorce Talk Radio. You’re listening to Rick Goldberg here on KPRC 950 on the AM dial. I’d love to hear from you so if you have something on your mind this morning, give us a shout at 713-212-5950.
We’re talking this morning about what you can do to make your marriage work. And if you’re with us last segment, you heard Kim talked about doing his work with his wife before they have an issue. How they would – they were both obviously doing personal growth work and I think they were just kind of staying in tune and getting maintenance and practicing good communication with each other either with a therapist or without a therapist so that when something really did hit, some type of really big impact or crisis, they have the tools and that they were ready to handle it.
Another thing that you can do in order to make a relationship work is to consider complimenting your spouse on a pretty regular basis both in private and in front of others. If you would take the time to really look at your spouse in the eyes and really just tell them what you see about them, you’ll see a glow and sincerity that I bet you haven’t seen in a while.
And I have my own personal saying that you don’t have to wait until somebody sneezes in order to bless them. And I think that’s the same thing in relationships. Don’t wait until they do something spectacular in order to praise your partner. Find the little things and just really honor and acknowledge them for the things that they do along the way.
I’ve got Sonny on line 3. Sonny, are you with me?
Sonny: Good morning, Rick. Yes, I am.
Rick: Hey, good morning. Thanks for calling in. Have you called into the show before or is this the first time?
Sonny: It’s the first time I’ve called in.
Rick: Well, great. Well, I’m glad to have you on the show. Today’s topic although we’re a Divorce Talk Radio, we’re talking about really how you can really make your relationship or your marriage even more vibrant.
And so, let me ask Sonny, are you currently married or in a long-term relationship?
Sonny: Oh, yes, I’ve have – in the next two months, Rick, we’ll be celebrating our 35ths wedding anniversary. So yes, I’ve been married about half of my life. I’m 74 today and happily married for half of them I’d say.
Rick: Did I hear you say you’re 74 today?
Sonny: Exactly. Exactly.
Rick: Well, that’s fantastic. Well, happy birthday.
Sonny: Well, thank you.
Rick: That’s really a beautiful thing to be able to celebrate. And you don’t sound 74 at all. So I’m really interested in talking to you. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about just really our culture in general is that we don’t really take the time to really appreciate and value the men and women who are in their 70s and who are in their 80s and really ascertain the knowledge and the wisdom that they have. So I’m hoping that you can help some of us younger folks from the 20s all the way up to the 60s with some of the wisdom that you’ve learned along the way. And I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you being married that many years, has it?
Sonny: Well, there’s ups and downs whether it’s work, whether it’s life, whether it’s kids, whether it’s a marriage. That’s the culture and the life that we live in here. So I think the bigger question is what does it take to have longevity with another human being in the chaotic world that I seem to live in and perhaps our culture of [0:14:52] [Indiscernible]?
Rick: Well, I think that’s a great question. So let me ask it to you. What does it take to create longevity in your relationship? If you had to create a ranking or an order, what’s at the top of your list?
Sonny: Well, I listened to your last caller and I certainly agree with a lot of what Kim said. And I think our marriage started out that we had an agreement, a couple of agreements, Rick, one that we would never go to bed angry with each other and I must say sometimes we stayed up all night over that one over the course of 35 years.
Another one is that we agreed when we got married that we really were mirror for each other and that means that I had her permission, she had her permission to call me on stuff that didn’t work rather than sitting on it and starts dreaming and doing things that I see so many people have done over their lives including me from time to time.
So we actually had an agreement that if something is not working about her or me that we had an obligation to bring it up rather than going to our neighbors or going to somebody [0:15:57] [Indiscernible] that we started with each other first.
Rick: I’m sorry to interrupt. But give me a little example and our listeners a little example of what you mean by that. Like what’s something that you were doing that you gave your wife permission to come up and say, “Hey Sonny, enough of fill in the blank.” What is for you?
Sonny: Well, one of them was my language. I spent a lot of time around men and I travel a lot. I’ve been a national consultant. And so, my language sometimes tend to bring – I bring men language into the house. I bring language into the house that was inappropriate for a household and some environments I was in it was considered appropriate like when I was in the oil fields for instance. There was a certain language out there that was for real smokers.
And so when I bring that home and she didn’t care for it, instead of us having a big fight, she would say some version, “Are you aware …” which is a great way to start, “Are you aware that you’re bringing some of that language in here? Are you aware that I find myself offended? Are you aware that it took a couple of seconds, a couple of minutes for me at this stage to get where that’s going and to play mess up?” All the guys [0:17:08] [Indiscernible] changed my language obviously. So I had some minor things but the same principle, Rick, for us as words from small items up to huge items.
One of the things I think that’s important for couples is to spend some time apart. And I’ve been fortunate I’ve been a consultant, I’ve been a traveler, I’m a volunteer around the country. She goes for girl’s trips from time to time. She goes out with the grandkids and stays a week or two from time to time.
So I think over the years that we demonstrated that that’s an important thing as part of being together is spending some quality time apart.
Rick: And what’s your wife’s name.
Sonny: My wife’s name is Sue.
Rick: Sue. So what have you had to call Sue out on?
Sonny: From time to time, around money. With being one example, I want a new car and I run the money. I run the budget. And in the business world as you must know, sometimes men do things that make us look more successful and perhaps we really are in the world of money looking good, a good example is what I’ve done from time to time.
And so it might be something, well, if you got a new car or well, I have a new car. And so then there would be the money conversation and that’s whether they have been critical between marriages that last is there’s got to be an understanding around money whoever keeps the books. There’s got to be an understanding around what’s working, what’s not, what’s permissible.
And so, I would say the area of sex and money are two of the most contentious pieces in our marriage over the years from and what I read most people have was two issues. And so I think open and honest communication is absolutely mandatory around those two hot topics.
Rick: And Sonny, have you been married before, before you met Sue?
Sonny: Yes. I was married in college. I was working my way through college. I had two sons. After we got out of school, we found we were not compatible. And looking back, the truth was I just wasn’t ready for marriage. I did not have a role model. I did not have a father growing up. And it took me years to realize that I had something to do with it. I actually thought it was her fault. And it took a lot of years, a lot of therapy in the early days to find out who I was and what I could really bring to a successful marriage. So I was pretty lucky.
Rick: I take it with your first marriage, you probably didn’t have that deal that you have with your current wife of never going to bed angry and being a mirror for one another. So you probably didn’t have the permission or maybe even the gumption to call one another out that first time around. Is that one of the things that really maybe you learned from that first marriage that you’re able to bring into this relationship?
Sonny: Absolutely, Rick. It’s worse than you even think. I didn’t even know that there was other way. That was how ignorant I was at the time. And I didn’t know enough to have smart agreements. I didn’t know enough to go to sleep without being angry. I didn’t know enough to – Sue and I read poetry with each other once in a while. We write poetry to each other once in a while.
And those things came over time. And so yeah, my first marriage looking back was an absolute debacle and I’ve not done a hundred percent of it but I had no clue how to be married.
Rick: Wow! That’s really good stuff and I really appreciate your wisdom and your courage coming on here and really sharing. If you could give just one global piece of advice to younger generation out there who is very social media minded, everything is go, go, go, what would you tell them about like your secret to getting to the promise land and staying married with the one that you love.
Sonny: I would say take a breath, spend time off those machines. I would say hold hands. Sue and I still hold hands at the movies. We still hold hands sitting at home watching a movie. And we take walks together. So I think get off the machines and have personal time whether it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours. I think that’s a secret of so many young people that I see these days are missing that the answer is not electronics. The answer is the personal relationship at a deep level.
Rick: Well, Sonny, I really want to thank you for calling in this morning. It has really been a pleasure to visit with you and talk with you. If you’ve been listening, remember this man’s advice to you, he and his wife of 35 years now. Take a breath, hold hands, get offline and just connect with each other. Make it happen.
You’ve been listening to Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. We’re halfway through the show here this morning. We’ll be back right after we get an update on today’s weather news.
Rick: Good morning everyone and welcome back to our show. You’re listening to Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg right here on KPRC 950 in iHeartRadio. And don’t forget, if you want to listen to this show again or listen to one of our past shows, you can download the podcast at KPRCRadio.com.
We’ve been talking this morning about what you can do to make your marriage or relationship work. We typically spend a lot of our time talking about divorce and divorce issues. But today, we want to hear what’s making things work in your relationship. We’ve discussed complimenting your partner, making sure that they take the time to connect with you each and every day.
And I’d like you to, if you’re so moved, give us a call and share what it is that you’re doing well in your relationship. We’ve been hearing never going to bed angry, holding the mirror up for one another and risking telling that person really exactly what’s on your mind and not withholding and not holding back, take a breath, holding hands, all kinds of things.
Before we go to our next call, I want to offer you something else that you can do in order to make sure that your relationship is really firing on all cylinders. And that’s to love your partner in the way that he or she really wants to be loved. We often make the mistake of assuming that if I like to be touched, maybe my partner likes to be touched. And if I like to show my love one particular way, maybe that’s how my partner wants to experience their love.
But that’s not exactly the way it works. What we have to do is we have to understand our partner’s love language. There’s a little test you can go online, in fact, and take. You can go to LoveLanguage.com and take their little quiz and see how you like to receive love, and it’s different for each and every person.
I know for me, what I like more than anything else is I like words of affirmation. I like someone telling me that I feel good, I look good today. I like to be affirmed, “Yeah, it was a great show you put on. You really held those callers well.” I like words of affirmation first and foremost.
Other types of love languages are physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and even gifts. So get to know your partner’s love language and love on them the way they want to be love done.
Let’s go to Martin on line 5. Martin, are you with me this morning?
Martin: Yeah. Good morning, Rick.
Rick: Hey, good morning buddy. Welcome to the show. I’m really happy that you called in. Have you been in a long term relationship?
Martin: I have. I’m not at the moment but I have been in a long term relationship.
Rick: Well, what worked the most in your relationship? What did you find yourself doing in that relationship that just really made it blossomed?
Martin: You know Rick, communication obviously it’s a touchstone of any relationship. But I think for me personally, one of the biggest things is not to take what they say personally.
Rick: That’s – you couldn’t get better advice than that. But the bigger question is, how do you do it, Martin?
Martin: You know, I think it’s that stopping and thinking about – being clear about how I feel and not being worried about how they feel, what they’re thinking. I’m getting so caught up in thinking about what they’re thinking. And there’s no power in me thinking about what they’re thinking. There’s power in where I’m at right now, what I’m feeling right now.
And when I get caught up in what they are thinking, we’re trying to fix them, trying to make them happy, that’s where I kind of get lost.
Rick: Now, give our listeners an example if you would of the last time your partner said something to you that you just really took personally. You weren’t able to not take it impersonally. You just took it right on. Do you have something that you could recount for us?
Martin: You know, let me think about that. Yeah. There was a time when I wanted to be intimate and my partner didn’t want to be intimate and I really took that personally to mean that there was something wrong with me.
Rick: And so, what did you do? I mean did you talk with your partner about it? What was like the next step? How did you deal with it?
Rick: Therapy. I went to a shrink and got some psychoanalysis. I’m not down playing that at all. I want you to know. I’m just having a little bit of fun. So, what did you and your therapist were able to work on? I mean how were you able to get back to this place of being so I guess grounded in not being able – not having to take things personally?
Martin: It’s recognizing the message that I tell myself when I hear that.
Rick: And what was the old message that you used to tell yourself when you would take things personally?
Martin: Well of course, it’s I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable. And the question the therapist asked me, “Well, is that true?” And that’s not true. So it’s obviously I’m reacting out of old wounds and taking it out on my – getting angry with my partner about them and their behavior when actually it has something to do with my past relationships, past mother issues, whatever.
Rick: Yeah. So that probably – you’re probably able to uncover that that, “I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable” probably went back a long time, huh?
Martin: Yeah, it was back to something that happened when I was a child, at 8 years old with my mom not showing up for me, that kind of thing.
Rick: And so, you can do that personal growth work. And then were you in relationship at the time when you saw the therapist.
Martin: Yup, absolutely. Yup.
Rick: And did you share – did you keep that close to the vest of did you share some of the growth and what you uncovered with your partner?
Martin: No, absolutely I was able to share it and both be able to see that it wasn’t – I wasn’t – I was feeling bad but it wasn’t about their behavior. So they didn’t want to be intimate at that time. No big deal.
Rick: Now, when you say intimate, are you talking about just simply holding hands, touching or are you talking about really just like wanting to have sex?
Martin: Oh, I’m talking about wanting to have sex.
Rick: OK. OK. So you really were in a place where you wanted to be with your partner, make love, just really share at that level and they just weren’t into it.
Martin: Right. Not at that time.
Rick: I got you. And so, I know for me of course, that has happened with me in the past. And I go to rejection and, “Oh my God! What am I going to do? How am I going to make this right?” And it only takes a few times to get rejected where I know for me I just didn’t want to take the risk anymore, of being rejected. And I think that’s the beginning of a lot of cycles that just sort of spin relationships out of control. At least that has been my experience.
Martin: Right. Right. So it’s about – I think it’s about the communication that took me on the direction and to find common ground and just actually being – sharing that intimacy, sharing that vulnerability about how I felt and where it was really coming from that helps kind of bridged that whole situation.
Rick: Now, I talked earlier about love languages, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service or gifts. What’s your love language, Martin? How do you like to experience love the most?
Martin: It’s probably is physical touch, Rick. Yeah, it probably is physical touch for me. And when I don’t get that, I feel unnourished.
Rick: So, you’re single now. And are you at a time where you’re looking for the next relationship or hoping – I don’t want to say looking, hoping to attract maybe your next partner or are you in a place and time right now where you’re just really not dating, doing more work on yourself?
Martin: I spent a good nine months working on myself and not doing too much dating. I’m actually dating now and it’s really great. I’m using a lot of the tools and a lot of the realizations I came to in the time that I was single that I was not looking, that I was just working on myself to get – to be more powerful in this relationship and hopefully have it go somewhere.
Rick: How are you meeting people out there in Houston, Texas?
Martin: You know, that’s a tough one, Rick. I’m not really good with the dating apps. I am really have just kind of been more word mouth, people I know, introductions, meeting people at parties, stuff like that.
Rick: Right, right. And so, if you had – if you could give some advice to yourself about what you need to do to really show up for the next best person that you’re going to be in relationship, what would you – what’s the advice you give yourself?
Martin: I would – what would I say, huh? Really just being true to myself and not settling for – in situations where I don’t feel good, just not keeping that to myself. When dating and something comes up with the other person, I have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to say how I feel.
Rick: Yeah. Well …
Martin: I think it’s when I keep that to myself that kind of builds up inside of me and goes wrong.
Rick: I got you. Vulnerability is everything. Hey Martin, I really want to thank you for calling in. We’re going to have to go to a break right now. You’ve been listening to Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. After these messages, we’ll be back with our final segment so don’t go anywhere.
Rick: Good morning everyone and welcome back to the final segment of Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg here on KPRC 950 in the iHeartRadio app. I’d love to hear from you this morning. So if you have something in your mind, give me a shout at 713-212-5950.
We’re talking this morning about what you can do to make your marriage work and the things that you’re doing to make your marriage successful. Now, before we go to our final caller, I see we’ve got Molly on line 1 here from Houston, Texas, I found that another common factor of long term happy marriages is that spouses regularly not only do things together that are fun and exciting but that they both accept that it’s equally OK to do things apart.
In other words, it’s that Yin and Yang. Let’s do things together and have a great time and exciting time doing them but then the ability to be supportive of one another when we do things apart. That might mean that the husband might like to go fishing and hunting and shooting quail while the mom wants to go do other things that she enjoys. So, it’s really important in relationships like that to really have mutual respect for one another. And I think that’s the buzz word at the end of the day is to have mutual respect for one another.
The other thing that you can do while you’re doing your hobbies and actively supporting your spouse while they do their hobbies is to really take a genuine interest in what they are doing. After all, you’re married to them. I assume that you love them. So the fact that you do yoga, it would be nice I’m sure if they heard or they shared with you about, “Hey, how was your class? What did you learn? Did you do anything differently?”
So, show a genuine interest in your partner the way you did when you were dating. Take it back to that level. How did you do it when you were dating, when you really wanted to let that person know that you cared deeply about them?
We’re going to go to our final caller of the day. I’ve got Molly online 2. Hey, Molly. Good morning. Welcome to the show.
Molly: Hi, Rick. Thank you so much for having me on. I’m so excited to be on. I’m a new listener. This is my first time calling in so I’m excited. Thanks for having me.
Rick: Well, that’s cool. I’m so glad you called in. You live here in Houston?
Molly: I do, towards the Cypress area.
Rick: OK. And married, I take it?
Molly: I am married. My husband and I will have been married in July for 7 years.
Rick: Seven years, great. And do you all have children?
Molly: We do. We have three beautiful daughters.
Rick: Three daughters.
Molly: Three daughters.
Rick: Now, tell me their names because it’s always kind of fun to hear moms talk about their kids and they say their names.
Molly: I love to talk about my kids. OK. So my oldest is Grace. She’s 7 years old. I have almost 6 years old. Her name is Claire and then a baby girl, Emily, she’s 18 months.
Rick: Nice. So Claire, Grace and Emily.
Rick: So, my gut instinct is that you’ve got three girls. Are you all shooting for one more? Are you going to try and have a boy still?
Molly: That’s the plan. That’s the plan. Four is kind of the magic number. If we’ve got four girls, I think that’s going to be – that will be it.
Rick: The four girls would be cool too, wouldn’t it?
Molly: Four girls would be awesome. Yes.
Rick: But is there – do you – and what was your husband’s name again?
Molly: His name is Tray.
Rick: Tray. Do you and Tray talk about, “God! I really wish we could have a boy.” Do you have that conversation or are you completely content if you had another girl?
Molly: We used to talk about having a boy especially as we had our first girl. We thought it would be really cool to have a boy and my husband really wants to have a boy. He is an only child. He kind of wants to keep his namesake going. So – but after having three girls, they are so awesome and we are pretty content and we would be just as happy with another girl. So boy or girl, either one.
Rick: That’s fantastic. So, you’ve been married for 7 years. What do you find really keeps you and Tray connected and really I guess just deeply in love with one another? Assuming that you are.
Molly: Yes, we are. Well, I would say, the first thing that I can think of really is that we’re very spiritual. And so, we pray together and it’s really powerful for us as a couple to pray together. And it’s also really hard and that it’s – you’re kind of vulnerable and you’re transparent really with your partner and not just praying when things are hard or even just to praise.
But just every day, praying together every day for another great day together and then praying for each other just on a daily basis just because you love that person and just praying for him that they will continue to be there. Like for me and my husband, that he will continue to be the rock in our marriage and just praying for each other’s role and just praying that we have a successful marriage. So prayer is really important to us and I think that that keeps us together and strong.
Rick: Now, when you pray together like that, are you literally – because I know for me, I check the spiritual box probably with darker – with thicker ink than I check the religious box. So I may meditate and I like to meditate but I don’t do a lot of praying and prayer. So when you do pray with your partner, are you side by side, are you face to face or are you doing it separate and apart from each other? Kind of help me understand that.
Molly: Well, I mean really all of the above. Sometimes we’ll be side by side together. There have been a few times. And it’s very – we try in the morning but with three kids and everything being hectic and trying to get going in the morning is really hard. But I try as often as we can to be together when we do it.
Sometimes it will just be through a text like I send him, if I’m thinking of a prayer, if I have something I want to pray about, I will just send him that just to let him know that, “Hey, I’m praying for you for this today or that you make it through this today,” or something like that. So we just – a lot of times are side by side or just in silent prayer for each other or even just like I said, just even electronically or over the phone.
Rick: Well, that’s cool. I really appreciate you sharing that because I really haven’t – I really don’t have a lot of experience in that. I really haven’t got to experience it other than when I’ve been in church and I’ve prayed that way.
What about struggles? I mean are there things that kind of crop up in your marriage that are sort of some of the big issues or struggles where sometimes just a little bit more challenging to get through? And maybe prayer doesn’t quite get you over the hump but you have to really just deal with and confront some things with one another. How do you handle those types of things?
Molly: Well, I just think it’s important to – we do have so much struggles when we go through our rollercoaster of a relationship like everybody else does with finances or different things right now. We’re trying to sell our house and that has been kind of just stressful on everybody. So I think just – I heard you talking about like earlier when trying to keep your relationship like it was when you were dating and just trying to keep it fun and remembering the fun in things and trying to keep – have a little bit of a lighter – just a lighter sense and everything and not having to be too serious.
So, having fun together because you can’t escape the struggles. They’re going to come whether you like it or not. And my husband is really – he’s very funny and he can turn anything into kind of a lighthearted situation, something I really love about him.
Molly: He’s kind of the calm in the storm.
Rick: And what do you do – what do you all do together to help recharge your batteries in your relationship?
Molly: Well, as often as we can, we like to go out and have dinner together or we love watching sporting events together. Those are some fun things we like to do. And just date night as much as possible. We’re very fortunate we have family. All of our family is in town so we rarely have to pay for a babysitter so that’s nice.
Rick: Nice. That helps on the finances side of the equation, right?
Molly: Yeah. So we got the grandparents that are able to step in while we can go out of town or go visit friends and old college friends or whatever. We try to go on vacation or do date nights to keep it fresh.
Rick: Well, that’s exciting. Best date night you’ve had recently. Let me hear about it.
Molly: Well, I wouldn’t call it a date night. It was more like a long weekend. But in April, we went to Mexico. I’ve never been to Mexico. So we were able to experience that together. That was really fun, in support of our friends’ wedding.
Molly: So, we were on the beach and like we see in the movie. So it’s very romantic and we really enjoyed that weekend together.
Rick: So when you were in Mexico and you’re in romance land and you’re on the beach, how often are you all thinking about your three beautiful daughters and how much you miss them?
Molly: Oh, you know, not as often as I think about it when I’m town, I’ll say that.
Rick: Well, that’s good. That’s a step in the right direction.
Molly: Yes. Of course, we do miss them. But we really appreciate that away time and just being together, just me and him by ourselves.
Rick: Yeah. You might have heard me when we came back from our last break, I talked about how important it is for couples to not only do things together but to also really enjoy doing things apart. And one of the other things that I didn’t mention is how important it is for parents to do things apart from their children so that they can really dive deeply into the intimacy of husband and wife without the children.
Molly: Definitely, yes. And I was thinking about that too. It’s so easy to, especially for a mom, to put her children before – first in her life. You want to put them first but you have to remember that it was you and your husband first before any of the kids.
Rick: That’s a great point. You have to be a little selfless in that regard.
Rick: Well Molly, it looks like we’re running out of time. And you’ve been listening to Divorce Talk Radio with Rick Goldberg. I want to thank you for tuning in to our show. I want to thank all of our listeners for tuning in to our show. As usual, it has been nothing but a privilege hosting the show and giving you an opportunity to share your feelings with our listeners. When you all share from you heart, our listeners can do the same.
So remember, tell that special person in your life how much you treasure and adore them. Stay connected to them and hopefully you’ll find the kind of happiness you always deserve. Have a wonderful …
[End of transcript]